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Lies, Bow Ties & Too Many Lace Fronts
Lakeitha Y. Anderson
May 16, 2010

To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man" William Shakespeare

How many times have we heard that quote? How many times have we referenced it to someone other than ourselves? Who are we really? Who am I really? When I look in the mirror, what do I really see? A 40 year-young, beautiful, ambitious, compassionate and virtuous woman; who is still single and never married? Or do I see the totality of life's disappointments and failed relationships? Do I see a sometimes vulnerable, self doubting woman who often times questions her ability to get over this hurdle and find a true, meaningful and solid relationship? Or do I see a naïve, hopeless romantic who finds herself caught up in the same drama in relationship after relationship? The funny thing is that I see all of that and then some. I see a desire to release all of my inhibitions, all of my fears and just love. Love without pretenses, without unrealistic expectations of others and myself, love without judgment, without knowing, without attachment, resentment and force. That's all I want. And if the truth be told, it’s really all that the majority of us want.  Or is it??

We live in a society that is quick to assess, control, judge and put others in their place, but rarely do we take those same assessment measures to size up ourselves. We are constantly bombarded with other's opinions. We have polls, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, round tables, forums, town hall meetings, reality TV, books, books and more books on relationships.  And the list goes on. We live in a society that's based on other people's opinions, which at the end of the day is a mere illusion of a perception and so far from reality.  Not to mention, we are all an illusion of our own perception with only a fraction on a quest to total truth.  So, let’s take a quick look at the Lies, Bow Ties & the Lace Fronts mentality that has crippled our ability to relate to one another.  

The lies….we know them all too well.  With the countless dating reality shows on TV, dating websites and other miscellaneous, distracting social media tools, we have been handed the ability to lie with ease and without blinking.  Think back to when social media first came on the scene. Remember Myspace?? We posted 20 year old pictures to lure that unsuspecting prospect to our page, set up the date and to our date’s dismay, actually showed up as our authentic self; which of course was not the cyber lie we sold. But the irony is that now, we send our representative on the first date and usually have them on the job for the first 90 days. We have mastered the art of illusion because we have started to believe the lies we tell ourselves and others. When was the last time you met someone and that person presented you their authentic self? I mean, really came to you raw, naked and unashamed?  When you meet a person for the first time, who shows up for the first date? You or your representative? You know how the story goes. You spend countless hours preparing your representative to put their best foot forward. Nails immaculate, hair neatly manicured, foot game tight, outfit right. You’ve studied the romantically correct answers to the “first date” questions. You know what to ask and what not to discuss. Dating has become a science of sorts, this calculated, methodical way of relating to another human being based on illusions.  We no longer feel comfortable in our own skin. Because of titles, self imposed status, material possessions and too much reality TV, we are afraid of that man or woman in the mirror. How liberating would it really be to show up as YOU? And if that you is self-serving, egotistical, arrogant, mean spirited, jealous, bi-polar, scared, bruised, jaded, or whatever, show up as such.  If you are loving, touchy-feely, caring, genuine, emotional, inquisitive, strong willed, ambitious, vulnerable, and an over achiever, be confident in those traits and show up as such!  You will weed out the rift-raft sooner than later being who you are. Not to mention, you graciously give the other person the opportunity to decide if they are interested in the real you and not your representative.

The Bow Ties…you know him and may be dating him right now! I’m talking clean on the outside, cream on the inside.  Have you ever met that man who screamed “low self esteem”? I mean, you could pick him out in a New York second. He’s clean from head to toe and what some have pegged as “metro sexual”. Has that thing called “swagger”.  You recognize it.  Custom made suit, Tiffany and Gucci cufflinks, monogrammed shirts and spit shinned shoes!! Oh, can’t forget the freshly manicured nails.  Now, let me be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a well-groomed man.  

But what has shifted in our society is that men have become more meticulous with their appearance than most women. It used to be that it took the woman longer to get dress than her man.  

Well, now, it’s a common place for her man to spend as much time, if not more, on accessorizing, shopping and in the mirror.  Not to mention finding herself sitting next to him in the local nail salon or at the hair salon since a growing number of men adorn longer hair (braids, dreads, etc).

I recently dated a man who wore the epitome of “swag” on the outside.  Are you surprised that he wore Bow Ties? I’m not knocking men that wear Bow Ties, but after spending a few weeks in his disillusioned space, I researched and found that there was a personality trait that came with the EXTRA clean exterior.  Traits of narcissism, egoism, low self esteem, all coupled with an illusion of self-confidence.

After a few dates and intimate conversations, I learned that the foundation of this man’s substance was built on how clean he appeared on the outside and clearly his status in society. The sad part is that he had the position, the status and the material illusion to match, but lacked true self identity. Not to mention, he had a vanity stool in his bathroom. Something I have never seen in my life in a single man’s bathroom!! Go figure.  

Just like women, most men are hurting inside and seeking the approval of not only the women in their lives, but from society as a whole.  He’s no longer that pillar of strength, not defined by his clothes, but that silent confidence that will set the atmosphere in any room he occupies.  That boldness in his posture what speaks protector and provider.  

Too Many Lace Fronts…faux designer bags, shoes, clothes, lashes, nails, and now butts.  I guess J-lo started the whole “cakes” phenom and soon passed the torch to the Kardashian sisters. And somewhere along the line, we bought into the “Sasha Fierce” (Beyonce’s alter ego) image with excessively long hair and lace front wigs.  But where does it end?? I see more beautiful sisters who have bought (literally) into this exterior illusion of beauty by believing that longer hair, bigger booties, and faux fashion defines our virtue and character.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate on anyone who feels compelled to enhance their natural attributes with outer adornment, or those who have a love for designer fashions. But I am afraid of this growing movement of total alteration of who we are.  Where is it coming from? Who has convinced beautiful women that it’s okay to play character roles by altering what we have been so blessed to have naturally? Don’t you know at some point the wigs, the booty pads, the lashes and everything else has to come off? Then what? Who shows up then? Is what’s underneath the wrapping what will attract a real man of integrity and character?  Our women were once adored for their natural beauty and the grace of their attire.  Where are those women who can walk into a room and make every man take notice with admiration and not lust?

Relationships are really not as hard as we have made them to be.  While we are complex creatures, there are some basic fundamental truths that make for long lasting, successful relationships.  When we didn’t have as much material possessions, we were stronger as a community; married more often and remained married much longer. When we didn’t have access to so much technology, we were stronger as a family, communicated more effectively and more often while building stronger friendships that lead to healthier relationships.  We should get back to the basics.  And it all starts in the mirror.  

I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. And while it is such a cliché, it is the truth.  At 40, I have no time for pretences and façades. I know that the journey to a successful relationship that’s built on truth starts with me. I must show up from day 1 as my whole self and nothing less. I must show up each day both in truth and confidence that by letting my beautiful light shine, I will attract a man of like character and integrity who is comfortable in presenting to me his authentic self. We are all individually unique, but have opted to be “the same kind of different”.  Let’s stop sleeping with the enemy, fire our representative and show up as ourselves in our relationships.